Dysthymia & Persistant Depressive Disorder

Dysthymia is a profound state of unease or dissatisfaction and in a psychiatric context, dysphoria may accompany depression, anxiety, or agitation. It is a mild, persistant, long-term form of depression and if combined with more severe depressive episodes it's now called Persistant Depressive Disorder. Although Dysthymia is a mild form of depression it can become major if it not treated quickly. I have had depression for as long as I can remember and I suppose, as a child, you just think everyone feels this way until you learn that this is not the case. By then it is too late and I was first diagnosed with major depression when I was 16 and developed PTSD in my 30's. The problem is that if the major depression goes away, I'm still left with this on-going low feeling until the next major episode appears. This low mood means that I rarely get any enjoyment out of life. I can recall times where I should have been having the time of my life but I was just counting the minutes until I could go home and be alone. It's a horrible way to live and very difficult to explain to people who have never experienced it. I am so anxious at the moment and I'm not sure why. it's just a constant, rumbling worry that something horrible is going to happen. I jump a mile when the phone rings or if anyone knocks at the door and if there are brown envelopes posted to me I feel physically sick. People who do not have experience of this may think that it is just the usual worrying about how things will turn out...specific things, but this is definately not the case for me. During the low moods I have the usual symptoms: continuous low mood or sadness; feeling hopeless and helpless; having low self-esteem; feeling tearful; feeling guilt-ridden; feeling irritable and intolerant of others; having no motivation or interest in things; finding it difficult to make decisions; not getting any enjoyment out of life; feeling anxious or worried; digestive problems and pains; unexplained aches and pains especially in the joints; headaches; lack of energy; low sex drive (loss of libido); disturbed sleep (cannot fall asleep at night and don't want to wake up in the morning). More severe episodes mean that I start: having suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming myself; skin picking (my form of self harm); moving or speaking more slowly than usual; feeling totally exhausted; ignoring self care; zoning out; binge eating and putting on weight (people usually lose weight); not doing well at work (what's the point?); withdrawing from others - avoiding contact with friends; neglecting my hobbies and interests; having difficulties with family life due to lack of interest or being unable to deal with any issues; feeling scared or threatened can result in periods of dissociation and memory loss; having flashbacks and horrific nightmares; insomnia; panic attacks; feeling dizzy, gasping for air and having heart palpitations; muscle aches and tension - constantly on alert; excessive sweating; feeling nauseous; having migraines; pins and needles in arms and legs and strangely the back of my head; and needing to be in control - compulsive cleaning, to do lists, etc. I've just got another appointment to review what support I should be receiving and it's been good to write down all the issues I am having. I'll just give them these lists!